Scars: Hold my hand, Lord

“Hold my hand LORD

Walk with me through my pain and valley of my sorrow

Hold on to me when I am too afraid to think about tomorrow

Let me lean on you LORD 

When I am too weary to go on

Hold my hand through the dark

Until I reach the light of dawn.” 

“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41v 13

How I need his help.
Mummy to 3 energetic children under 8.
Wife
Daughter
Sister
Daughter in law
Friend
Youth leader
Doctor

My youngest daughter was adopted from foster care. She has Down syndrome. We were told she does not remember the day she was taken into care.

She does.

Tonight as I was putting her to bed, exhausted, she seemed wide awake. She asked for her photo book – this is a book of photos that tells her life journey, from birth home, to foster care and to our family.

She looked and talked. She names the people in the photos. She talks about the “sad day” she was taken into care. She looks at the photos of her with Rabbit and points to Rabbit sat next to her bed and tells me that she loves Rabbit. (I wrote about how we used “Rabbit” to help her move to our house in my post called Welcoming Star.)

Then she talks, names and events from the past come tumbling out. She speaks in two or three word sentences, I ask her to sign so that I can understand. Tonight some of what she is saying is new. She has not articulated this before, though I have read about it. Then she begins to get confused; people from the present and past blur and are together in stories ( when they haven’t met.)

She does not want me to sing to her, she talks as I try to pray for her birth family.
I am exhausted…..I have listened, and clarified and prayed and I want to sit down. After 13 relentless hours of being Mummy to my trio, I need to sit down and finish my tea. I want to talk to my Mum.

But my youngest daughter needs me. Her invisable scars are hurting tonight.

Sometimes when she is very upset she doesn’t want comfort. You see, every other mother or mother figure she has trusted has gone.

So I gently put my head next to hers on her pillow. I close my eyes. I tell her it is time to sleep. She puts her head next to me. After a while she falls quiet. Then she wriggles near and takes my hand and holds it tight.

And there curled up in her bed, her head touching mine, she holds my hand tight and falls asleep.

I am amazed.

Dear Star, I have no answer for your Scars. I sometimes exhaust my self trying to work out how to respond to your story. Wondering what is due to Downs, what is trauma what is developmental delay. Maybe I need to stop overthinking this. And focus on being there. And giving you the opportunity to take my hand.

I want to hold your hand and be with you on your journey.

I know I don’t have the strength to do this by myself.

But as you reach out to me and I hold on to you..

He is holding onto me.

I remember the verse that has brought me such comfort when I walk through a valley:
“I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says: Do Not fear I will help you.”