“I Grew in your Heart”

Last night Star and I were reading one of my favourite books. Taken from Psalm 139 and beautifully illustrated, it talks of God’s intimate knowledge of us from before we were born.

It starts “Jesus, you know me so well, you see my heart,”

which is comforting when you have a child born with a heart defect who won’t lie still enough for a clear picture on her ECHO scan!

“You made every part of me and watched as I grew in my Mummy’s tummy.”

How wonderful to think that God made every part of us. He made every part of Star. Her extra copy of chromosome 21 was not a surprise to her maker. This verse can also be translated “you knit me together in my mother’s womb”, I once read that as children with Down syndrome have an extra chromosome in every cell, that God did a whole lot of extra knitting to make them.

“And watched me as I grew in my mummy’s tummy”

This verse brings me pain and comfort. God watched as Star grew in the womb of a lady who could not meet her needs. Star lived in a family which at times was scary and unpredictable.

And God watched.

And God watched.

And Star was afraid.

And one day the authorities who, had also been watching, had enough evidence to act.

“You will always watch over me. Each day I live is written in your book.”

And Star was removed to safety, and some time later, Star came to live with us. As we look back we see the hand of God, the one who made the stars as well as the tiny babies, in every decision that brought us to where we are now.

What a comfort to know, that he has every day, and all of our tomorrows, written in his book.

“You made every part of me and watched as I grew in my Mummy’s tummy.”

“Mummy,” said Star, interrupting me as I read and pointing at the picture of the pregnant lady embracing her son:

“I grew in your heart.”

 

 

Photo and words taken from “Alwats Near me” by Susie Poole

Based on Psalm 139, The Bible 

Published by Pupfish

 

 

When I am Bigger..

Permanence. It is a word we think about a lot as a Forever family.

Recently we watched “Annie” and the line where Miss Hannigan tells Annie:

“You only live here because I get $157 dollars a week” hit us hard.

Our youngest daughter lived in a foster home where the foster carer told me that she would be ringing the office the day after Star left for another child to be placed, because she needed two children in placement at all times to pay the bills.

It nearly broke my heart.

We have tried hard to hide from our older children our belief that Star’s needs were not always met in foster care. We always speak about her foster carer politely. But they have noticed that no birthday or Christmas cards arrive for Star. They do not know that she was shut it a room for 13 hours at night, unable to get out. That she was called a “little b*tch” by one of her respite foster carers. After she moved to our house and was taught to sign , her social worker visited and told us she was a like a different child.

Clearly our attempts to protect Hannah and Ben from this have failed. Hannah was watching a TV programme on CBBC and I asked her what it was about

“it is about children who are like Star used to be – and where they live.”

The program is called “The Dumping ground.”

I wanted to weep. Hannah knows many amazing Foster carers, she knows of their love and commitment to the children in their care however long or short their stay, however challenging their behaviour. She also senses that this was not the case for her sister Star.

For a child like Star, who has known several homes, several respite placements and a number of sudden moves – developing “permanence” – the belief that you belong is a scary process.

“What if I trust these people, love these people and then I move again?”

Typically you have to live in one family for more than the total time you lived elsewhere to believe that this family is forever. So if a child joins their Forever family at 5, they would need to live there until they are 10 before they are likely to believe it is Forever.

For Star we still have 18 months to go before this milestone.

In recent months Star has grown taller. Hannah and Ben are also growing up and able to be more independent. Like all younger siblings Star wants to join in with this and we have had a number of conversations which result in “when you are bigger, Star.”

Cue – sad face.

Star recently stayed with her Grandparents while I was at work. When I got back she sat on my lap in the kitchen and I tickled her and said:

“Have you got bigger while Mummy was at work?”

She giggled and said “yes.”

“Have you been eating, and playing and sleeping and growing?”

Now she was properly laughing:

“Yes, I Bigger and Bigger!” (With Makaton signs for growing taller.) She continued:

“Mum, when I big, I open cupboard (pointing at our treat cupboard – which is currently out of her reach), I get chocolate macaroon and eat it up!”

Star now dissolved in giggles at the thought of being able to reach the treat cupboard and eat the contents unaided!

It wasn’t until a few minutes later , it struck me what she was telling me

that when she is big

she will live in this house

with that treat cupboard

there will be chocolate macaroons inside

and (although she is not meant to)

she will open that door and eat them.

And my name is no longer “Mummy” it is

“Mum.”